Bullying for Parents: What You Should Know (Part I)

Parents and schools working together provide the united front necessary to reduce bullying. Both educators and parents have powerful online resources available to them; however, parents may not be aware of these resources or know how to access them.

The US Department of Education site, stopbullying.gov, provides a wealth of information for awareness, prevention, and intervention. While many sites provide toolkits and action plans, the stopbullying.gov site starts at awareness and lists some possible warning signs that children are being bullied. The following are some warning signs from a very comprehensive list:

• Lost or destroyed clothing, books, electronics, or jewelry
• Frequent headaches or stomach aches, feeling sick or faking illness
• Difficulty sleeping or frequent nightmares
• Declining grades, loss of interest in schoolwork, or not wanting to go to school
• Sudden loss of friends or avoidance of social situations

Another valuable online resource is the site for the National PTA's program Connect for Respect (C4R) that promotes proactive and responsive parental involvement in schools.  The C4R is a research-based approach in building strong relationships in schools. These strong relationships are the building blocks in safe and supportive learning environments where bullying cannot flourish. Again, parents and educators are working together to keep our children safe and healthy.

Finally, the National Education Association has tools specifically for parents and educators, The ABC's of Bullying reminds us that bullying can occur anywhere. The article, For Parents: If a Child Complains of Being Bullied," provides warning signs and early steps for parents to take before the school is involved. It suggests questions to ask to confirm suspicion of bullying.

Educators are starting to grasp the critical importance of the caring relationship between every student and at least one adult in school. We also understand that healthy and supportive relationships are at the core of a strong and caring learning environment. Most importantly, we know that bullying cannot flourish in those positive, supportive schools. Having the parents as partners in this effort is vital to its success.

"Connecting home and school makes us a great community of learners." ~Unknown

Is Bullying Really an Issue?

Increasingly, I am asked to speak to parent groups about bullying awareness, prevention, and intervention. Before one presentation last spring, a gentleman came up to me and said that while he appreciated my coming, he wanted me to know up front that he did not believe that bullying is a problem. He went on to say that we have become too sensitive as a society and that our young people needed to toughen up. 

I responded to his comments with a simple question, "How do you know that bullying isn't a problem?" He tilted his head and said, "I guess I don't know."

For the record, bullying is a problem, and we do have the data to support that. The quickest way to see national and state statistics is by looking at results from the Youth Risk Behavior Survey, given every two years to our nation's 10th-grade students. The national results from 2015 YRBS results regarding bullying are as follows:

• 20.2% of American high school students reported being bullied on school property during the 12 months before the survey.
• 15.5% were electronically bullied, counting being bullied through email, chat rooms, instant messaging, Web sites, or texting during the 12 months before the survey. 

Knowing national and state statistics will confirm that a problem exists. However, we need much more information in order to determine the best course of action to resolve the problem.

Staff and student surveys provide much of this information. Research- and evidence-based programs such as Bully-Free Schools and the gold standard for bullying prevention programs, Olweus Bullying Prevention Program, provide these diagnostic tools. Students from upper elementary to high school and their school staff respond to questions about witnessing bullying, identifying types and locations of incidents, and being targets themselves.

The results from these surveys can be used in several ways. They can help us develop specific action plans, such as to increase monitoring in areas identified as hot spots. The results also provide baseline data for evaluating the effectiveness of the bullying prevention initiative. Most importantly, being able to place student perception next to staff perception reminds us that we can be ignorant of bullying happening right in our vicinity.

The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance. 

 ~Nathaniel Branden

Just How Prevalent Is Bullying?

The headline from an August 16, 2016 Detroit Free Press article reads: Study: Michigan Worst State for Bullying in U.S. The study, from WalletHub.com, had used several different metrics to determine that Michigan had the biggest bullying problem in the nation, metrics that included estimates of the cost of truancy, bullying prevalence, bullying impact and treatment, and anti-bullying legislature.

Teasing out the issue of prevalence gives us three basic questions:  How widespread is the bullying problem? As children get older, how does bullying change?  At what age does bullying peak?

1. Last year, 20.2% of American high school students reported being bullied on school property and 15.5% reported being cyberbullied. In Michigan, 25.6% reported being bullied on school property and 18.8% reported being cyberbullied (2015 Youth Risk Behavior Survey). In other words, one of every five American teens and one of every four Michigan teens are bullied.
2. Bullying changes with age, growing in frequency through elementary and middle school and decreasing in high school. Incidents of verbal, social and cyberbullying become more frequent as children age, while physical bullying decreases. (SAMSA/PREVNet). Furthermore, girls engage in social (relational) bullying behaviors earlier than boys. Because bullying behavior changes with age, intervention and prevention efforts must reflect these changes to be most effective.
3. Finally, bullying peaks as children move into adolescence. Puberty, social skill development, and school transitions "provide the opportunity for both positive social interactions and social deception" (SAMSA/PREVNet).  As physical bullying decreases, other more social forms of bullying increase. With 28% of American middle school students reporting bullying incidents, while only high school students report 20.2%, it appears that bullying peaks in middle school. (stopbullying.gov)

We have clear evidence that bullying remains a major issue for 20-28% of our children/young people. With this sense of urgency, we might consider spending more time being responsive and proactive in intervention and prevention, instead of waiting for yet another discouraging headline.

Be a light, not a judge. Be a model, not a critic. ~Steven Covey

Everyone Plays a Role in a Bullying Situation

Often we perceive bullying as a conflict between two parties and narrowly focus on those directly involved. We describe a situation of an individual exhibiting aggressive behavior toward a target of that behavior. This perception must be expanded so that we collectively understand that a bullying situation effects anyone who is directly or indirectly involved in the event.

In The Bully, the Bullied, and the Not-So-Innocent Bystander, Barbara Coloroso describes a bullying situation as "a tragedy performed daily in our homes, schools, playgrounds, streets, and workplaces." This tragedy has three roles: the bully, the bullied, and the not-so-innocent bystander. These are merely temporary roles, she argues, so that we do not permanently typecast children for their roles nor do we translate the part to values that placed on individuals.

The bully and the bullied are roles that most of us can easily identify; however, we need to expand our focus to include all those who are also involved in a bullying situation. They are traditionally called bystanders, but are also referred to as witnesses. The Olweus Bullying Prevention Program, the gold standard of bullying prevention programs, digs deeper into this category. In the "Bullying Circle," bystanders are divided into five categories:

1. Henchmen take an active part in the behavior, but are not involved in planning.
2. Active supporters are the cheerleaders who try to reap any gains from the situation.
3. Passive supporters are entertained by the ordeal, but do not provide outward encouragement.
4. Disengaged onlookers are disinterested in something that is "none of their business."
5. Potential defenders are those who disapprove of the bullying but do not move to aid the target.

Bullying is a complex situation that involves more than just the bully and bullied. Perhaps by understanding the roles that all of us play, we will become proactive and responsive in order to break the cycle of bullying. In this way, we might see significant decreases in these tragic events.

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~James Thurber

Criteria for Bullying Prevention Programs

A quick Google search of bullying prevention programs this week gave me 5,970,000 results. When I qualified the search with the terms "research-based" and "evidence-based," the list was reduced to 598,000. A flood of programs exist that promise to reduce a problem that is still too high, despite our efforts. The money and time invested already discourages many from continuing bullying prevention initiatives that do not seem to work.

We must continue to reduce and then finally eliminate bullying in our schools. But where do we begin? Perhaps a good first step is to use the following criteria when identifying high quality programs.

1. Research-Based. Effective programs have been through rigorous examination that show they work. The results are published in peer-reviewed journals.
2. Evidence-Based. The programs should be implemented in a new context and then undergo additional evaluation to have evidence that they are effective.
3. Comprehensive. The programs include diagnosis, intervention, and prevention of a bullying problem.
4. Systemic. School-wide implementation is the optimal commitment. It includes every adult in the building who comes into direct contact with students. It also takes into account every nook and cranny of the building, from the media center and the hallways to the cafeteria and the classrooms.
5. Sustained. Any successful bullying prevention program is perceived as a process over time. Substantive changes in schools occur over several years. Annual training, especially for newcomers in the building, is important.
6. Focused on Social-Emotional Learning. Effective bullying prevention programs have a large component on social-emotional health. The five core competencies of SEL are addressed: self-awareness, social awareness, social awareness, relationship skills, and decision-making skills.

Once these criteria are met, you realize the scope of an effective bullying program. The key to effective implementation is to strategize. Identify first what you are already doing, then survey your staff and students to focus on areas of greatest need, and finally, be strategic as you develop awareness and plan for implementation.

"It's our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our actions." ~ J.K. Rowling

Overriding Our Negative Instinct

Under a serious threat of danger, some of us call for vicious and immediate retaliation toward the source of the threat. During difficult times, some of us become consumed with protecting ourselves at the expense of others. For example, we have observed political campaigns during times of hardship or uncertainty that are filled more with negative attacks on opponents versus highlighting the platform of the nominees. 

Even under minimal stress or a perceived threat, many of us become depressed or pessimistic about the eventual outcomes. We have seen how the perception of the decline of US public education has caused many to believe that things will never improve. This belief is leading to the push for alternative educational programs and feed into the mistrust that some have for our educators.

Why are we so quick to go to the dark side? As it turns out, we are hardwired to do this very thing. In our earliest form, cognitive functions were minimal, and our sensory capabilities were our means to survival. When there was a perceived threat, the body went into its emergency response system; it would flee, fight, or freeze. In psychological terms, it is referred to as negativity bias. Humans survived because of this bias toward the worst case scenario. 

Fast forward to today, where we have sophisticated cognitive functioning. We understand the human spirit and assume good intentions of others. We are generous and creative and problem solving and responsive. That is, until we sense danger, are thrown into crisis, or perceive a threat to our safety. At that moment, we revert to the sensory system and automatically go into survival mode. Like it has in our history, our negativity bias keeps us safe in dangerous and threatening situations today. 

For all of our complex and sophisticated thinking, our natural instinct remains biased toward negativity. It is why negative remarks stay with us far longer than praise. It helps us understand why we are depressed, anxious, and defensive.

We know this automatic response to "all things dark" keeps us physically safe; however, we also know that our natural instinct is a survival technique - not a problem solver. If we wish to resolve a problem, stay constructive, and use sophisticated cognitive functions, we must move beyond nature.

Our situations are messy and complex. Immediate and natural responses are likely sensory in nature and automatically biased toward the negative. Noticing this in ourselves and in others is a first important step in facing challenges. Pausing to notice our natural instincts gives our cognitive functioning the go-ahead to reconnect.

The next time you are in a very challenging situation that is not life threatening, notice the automatic responses in your body. Take a deep breath, reminding yourself that you are safe. Then, call up your generous, responsive, and better self in order to move forward. 

Thinking is the place where intelligent actions begin. We pause long enough to look more carefully at a situation, to see more of its character, to think about why it's happening, to notice how it's affecting us and others. ~Margaret J. Wheatley

The Importance of Trust

Before diving into any educational change initiative, a solid foundation must be in place. When thinking about building resilient schools, this foundation is no less essential, especially with regard to trust.

Trust in this sense involves the relationships of all educational stakeholders. More than relationships between students and teachers alone, the relations between teachers with teachers, teachers with principals, and school personnel with the community are also important considerations. 

When high relational trust exists, people believe that everyone is competent in their roles.  For example, students believe they have effective teachers who are under the leadership of effective principals. Furthermore, within every relationship, people respect each other and rely on the involvement of every person. Relational trust is based on what people believe and on what they observe. So, not only do they believe in the competence of each other, but they also validate this belief by what they see on a regular basis.

Research on school change has shown that successful reform is linked to the level of trust in schools. For schools with low levels of trust, reform efforts have a one in seven chance of increasing student learning. With high levels of trust, schools have a 50/50 chance to see increases in learning.

We live during times that require better ways of coping and higher levels of resilience. Before we start developing plans to meet these needs, we must first build and nurture trust for all those who are involved in these efforts.

Trust...is the beginning place, the foundation upon which more can be built. ~Barbara Smith